| The Sun Also Sets |
[Oct. 7th, 2007|12:52 pm] |
#3
[Written on October 7, 2007 at 12:03 AM]
I turned the shower on and waited for the water to heat up. I stood there in nothing but my own dirty shame. I felt like I was in dire need of a cleansing of some sort. I needed help to get rid of all of my regrets. I didn't know what I did but I knew it was bad. I could feel myself hating myself more and more but I didn't let it hurt me as much as it usually would. Stepping into the shower, I let it move my hair into my face. I let my hair cover over me like a sopping-wet umbrella. I knew it couldn't hide me forever but I could at least pretend.
I stood and watched the water tap on the bottom of the bath tub and started thinking about how weird life was lately. Everyone was in the kitchen drinking and talking and here I was, washing away everything I couldn't talk about, while they had fun. Why didn't I want to get fucked up? Who was I now? I was this brand new person but all I really changed was my addiction. I never actually cleaned up, really. All I did was replace one addiction for another, and this shower—and every other shower I ever had—was like my repentance or something..?
"Who are you now?" I asked myself outloud as I lifted my head and let my shoulder-length hair fall behind me. I watched the little specs of water fall into my eyes and I felt them, hot, on my cheeks. This was a different thing for me. I had never felt so bad in my whole life, but really when I thought about it I couldn't feel a fucking thing at all. It was crazy, and when I thought about it more and more all I could do was get sad or go numb. Get sad or go numb. It was a damn constant in my life. Get sad or go home (wherever that was now).
Finally I decided I had spent long enough pondering on nothing (that's all it was, though; could never put a word to it), so I washed my hair and face and body and stepped out. I grabbed my towel and dried off. I wrapped it around myself and looked into the big mirror in front of me. It had fogged up so I took some toilet paper and wiped it off. I stared at my face in the blurriness of the mirror. I looked deformed or just different. I moved closer to it and leaned on the counter. I stared at my eyes and asked myself again that same question I wake up to whenever I'm beside yet another boy. Every lover was different. Different name. Different feel. Different bed. Different everything. Everytime I was with someone different, I was someone else. It was like whenever I took a different drug or drank a different drink. I was always someone else..
But who was I now? Staring in this mirror, who was I? Was I still the same old me? Or was I just another sick version of myself..?
"You're Alice," I told myself as I grabbed a comb and ran it through my wet hair. I took another towel and squeezed the water from my hair. It felt good to be clean again. It was always good after something like what I had been through. It was weird, but showers always made me feel different and so much better. I felt like after every shower I was reborn. I was a Phoenix, rising from the ashes of a past life, and God damn, I was so beautiful. I felt beautiful. Like I could just fly away. Right out of this bathroom and right through the hall, out the door and into the blue sky. "And you are so fucking beautiful." I smiled to myself and took off the towel. I got dressed and went back out into the kitchen, where everyone watched me and laughed at a joke I had missed. I didn't care, though. In reality, I didn't need them. If anything, they needed me. If just for fun or maybe as an example of what to be or what not to be. I was here for them. Always and forever. I was alive and that was important now. It was a dissapointment an hour ago, but now it was a relief.
Thank God I was alive. Thank God for these people and thank God for me. I was here now and I was alive. This was what it was like to be me, Alice, and it felt great all of a sudden. Seeing these people so fucked up, but happy, made me smile. At least they were doing something they loved, whether it was out-of-control like it was for me or whether it was recreational, it was still something they loved to do. I was happy for them. I had to be. We all had our weaknesses, and I was just then realizing it. It was crazy, but it was true. It had to come to me eventually.. |
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| 2:54 AM; September 08, 2007; Saturday; [Untitled] |
[Sep. 8th, 2007|05:09 pm] |
#2
Sitting on the bed with a pen in my hand and a cigarette in my mouth, I watched you ly there and I watched you breathe, quiet and smooth. The rythm of your chest slow and steady and so unlike what we were. I kept my gaze on you as I thought of what I was doing with myself. What was I even going to write about, wanyway? As if our lives were connected somehow in some tangled-up coincidence or something or whatever. I wanted to watch you, and that was all I wanted to do..It was all I really felt like doing, cause I guess I was still a little bit high.
Moving my eyes I focus my pen on my journal and kept the tip on the top of the page, where I'd normally write the date. God, what day was it anyway..? I had long-since lost track of it and the time and what I wanted anyway. What was I doing? Why was I even here anyway? I closed my eyes and sighed, trying to find a way out of here..A way out of this trap I had set for myself so long ago. I was going to be a writer and we were going to live happily ever after in some small cottage somewhere near a big city. I laughed quietly to myself and started to feel myself drift in and out of daydreams that would soon make me too scared to sleep.
I opened my eyes and continued to watch you shift around, tossing and tunring again. In all the nights I spent like this I don't think I had ever seen you sleep peacefully with now stir..It was a shame, too. Was your heart too heavy to let you breathe normally? Was your mind mixed-up with all that you had never told me? Gosh, it was a shame you couldn't sleep normally. I guess it was because i was here, awake, and somehow..Subconsciously..You knew I was watching you and waiting for you to do something to show me anything. I just wanted a sign, perhaps. A chance for you to show me what was going on in that fucked up head of yours.. |
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| Damage control: |
[Sep. 8th, 2007|05:05 pm] |
#1
This journal, I made a long long time ago. I am going to use it now to post random stories/poems/ideas. I already have a real lj (fcukcwk) and I post in it normally. I like it and I plan to keep it, even though the name is stupid. I'll probably not make this journal friends only, because I don't have all that many things to hide when it comes to my writing. I like everyone to read it if they come across it.
Anyway, I named this journal after a song by my favorite band, Manchester Orchestra. It's a good song and I like this journal.
So, if you read anything in here I would like some comments. So, yep. Enjoy!
<3
[Sterling] |
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